Wither, Jets Zubaz
For you shall remain unused
And I am beardless
Sunday, 23 September 2012
Saturday, 22 September 2012
Brad's Beardless NHL Lockout Protest: Day 7...The One Where Brad Realizes He Faces a Sarah Orleskyless Winter
A terrifying realization came over me yesterday when watching the Bombers game:
If there is an NHL lockout, I am going to spend all winter without my future girlfriend and wife, TSN Jets sideline reporter Sarah Orlesky. Sarah Orlesky is the most beautiful woman in the world of sideline reporters and her beauty is multiplied by a factor of several thousand considering she brings Winnipeg Jets games into my home and onto my TV screen.
I had it all planned out. I'd watch Sarah for about a quarter of the season to get my confidence up and then I'd make my move. I'd wait for a home game that I had tickets to that was also being broadcast on TSN Jets. A few days before the game I'd set up an elaborate trap using a bag of cheeseburgers to lure Gary Lawless into a janitor's closet. Once he took the bait and entered the closet, I'd lock the door and trap him in there for a good day or two. The bag of cheeseburgers will be gone within an hour and he will eventually be trapped in there without food and become excruciatingly hungry. (*Note to self: make sure to remove any remotely edible items such as urinal pucks, as we can't assume Lawless won't try and eat them).
Next I'd secretly place a package of bacon in Sarah Orlesky's purse. Then, just before the Lawless and Order segment, I'd release Lawless from the closet. He'd immediately sniff out the package of bacon in Sarah Orlesky's purse and wildly begin to attack her. I would then rush in to Sarah Orlesky's defence with a garbage bag full of steaks. I'd slowly lure the 8 Chinned Beast away from her with the steaks and then, when he gets close, throw the steaks in front of a moving bus because I might as well do all Winnipeg Jets fans a favor while I'm saving Sarah Orlesky. Sarah Orlesky would naturally fall in love with me for saving her from the savage, multi chinned monster, I'd become a local hero and be awarded the key to the city and Sarah Orlesky and I would get married and have kids that would grow up to be Norris Trophy winning hockey players and Lingerie Football League MVPs and Sarah Orlesky and I would grow old watching the Winnipeg Jets winning Stanley Cup after Stanley Cup.
At least that was the plan before this goddamn lockout happened that forced me to shave off my beard out of protest.
The fact that Gary Bettman would deny the world a winter of Sarah Orlesky proves that not only is he unworthy of my forgiveness, he's unworthy of Jesus' forgiveness. And Jesus forgave George Clooney for Batman & Robin.
If there is an NHL lockout, I am going to spend all winter without my future girlfriend and wife, TSN Jets sideline reporter Sarah Orlesky. Sarah Orlesky is the most beautiful woman in the world of sideline reporters and her beauty is multiplied by a factor of several thousand considering she brings Winnipeg Jets games into my home and onto my TV screen.
I had it all planned out. I'd watch Sarah for about a quarter of the season to get my confidence up and then I'd make my move. I'd wait for a home game that I had tickets to that was also being broadcast on TSN Jets. A few days before the game I'd set up an elaborate trap using a bag of cheeseburgers to lure Gary Lawless into a janitor's closet. Once he took the bait and entered the closet, I'd lock the door and trap him in there for a good day or two. The bag of cheeseburgers will be gone within an hour and he will eventually be trapped in there without food and become excruciatingly hungry. (*Note to self: make sure to remove any remotely edible items such as urinal pucks, as we can't assume Lawless won't try and eat them).
Next I'd secretly place a package of bacon in Sarah Orlesky's purse. Then, just before the Lawless and Order segment, I'd release Lawless from the closet. He'd immediately sniff out the package of bacon in Sarah Orlesky's purse and wildly begin to attack her. I would then rush in to Sarah Orlesky's defence with a garbage bag full of steaks. I'd slowly lure the 8 Chinned Beast away from her with the steaks and then, when he gets close, throw the steaks in front of a moving bus because I might as well do all Winnipeg Jets fans a favor while I'm saving Sarah Orlesky. Sarah Orlesky would naturally fall in love with me for saving her from the savage, multi chinned monster, I'd become a local hero and be awarded the key to the city and Sarah Orlesky and I would get married and have kids that would grow up to be Norris Trophy winning hockey players and Lingerie Football League MVPs and Sarah Orlesky and I would grow old watching the Winnipeg Jets winning Stanley Cup after Stanley Cup.
At least that was the plan before this goddamn lockout happened that forced me to shave off my beard out of protest.
The fact that Gary Bettman would deny the world a winter of Sarah Orlesky proves that not only is he unworthy of my forgiveness, he's unworthy of Jesus' forgiveness. And Jesus forgave George Clooney for Batman & Robin.
Friday, 21 September 2012
Brad's Beardless NHL Lockout Protest: Day 6
Dear Mohammed,
I am writing to you because, well, Jesus stopped answering my prayers years ago and I'm desperate. You also strike me as the kind of guy that allegedly hates America and is opposed to the shaving of beards, so I think you'll be interested to hear my plea.
Basically, I'm cruelly being forced to shave off my beard on a daily basis. As someone that is staunchly pro beard, it pains me to do so every day. And it probably pisses you off to no end, considering your religion's stance on beards. But this is not my fault. In the words of Walter Sobchak, it's "THOSE FUCKS DOWN AT THE LEAGUE OFFICE" of the NHL that force me to do so, out of protest, since they've decided to impose a lock out on the upcoming NHL season. I implore you to work your magic and force this issue into resolution.
I would also like to point out that Americans don't really give a shit about hockey. Right now, its mostly Canadians, Russians and Fins that suffer the most. Those dirty, godless Swedes suffer, too, but they're dirty, godless Swedes so we should not care about their suffering. And, by stepping in and ending the lockout quickly, the rich, capitalist pig American league owners will be saddled with a less desirable CBA, limiting their ability to make as much money. I don't know if you actually hate America or not, but if you do, here's your chance to stick it to a few of them.
Thanks,
Brad
PS - I realize asking for a Bombers win tonight would be a bit ridiculous....but would it be too much to ask for you to have them cover the spread?
PPS - I apologize for that last request. I realize it was unreasonable.
I am writing to you because, well, Jesus stopped answering my prayers years ago and I'm desperate. You also strike me as the kind of guy that allegedly hates America and is opposed to the shaving of beards, so I think you'll be interested to hear my plea.
Basically, I'm cruelly being forced to shave off my beard on a daily basis. As someone that is staunchly pro beard, it pains me to do so every day. And it probably pisses you off to no end, considering your religion's stance on beards. But this is not my fault. In the words of Walter Sobchak, it's "THOSE FUCKS DOWN AT THE LEAGUE OFFICE" of the NHL that force me to do so, out of protest, since they've decided to impose a lock out on the upcoming NHL season. I implore you to work your magic and force this issue into resolution.
I would also like to point out that Americans don't really give a shit about hockey. Right now, its mostly Canadians, Russians and Fins that suffer the most. Those dirty, godless Swedes suffer, too, but they're dirty, godless Swedes so we should not care about their suffering. And, by stepping in and ending the lockout quickly, the rich, capitalist pig American league owners will be saddled with a less desirable CBA, limiting their ability to make as much money. I don't know if you actually hate America or not, but if you do, here's your chance to stick it to a few of them.
Thanks,
Brad
PS - I realize asking for a Bombers win tonight would be a bit ridiculous....but would it be too much to ask for you to have them cover the spread?
PPS - I apologize for that last request. I realize it was unreasonable.
Thursday, 20 September 2012
Brad's Beardless NHL Lockout Protest: Day 5
I think I'm getting a cold. And, while I don't want to jump to conclusions here, I think it's related to standing in the middle of a bean field for 14 hours on Tuesday, freezing my face off. Except that I wouldn't have been freezing my face off had I had the insulating magic of a stately beard. And I would still have had that stately beard if Gary Bettman and his band of tripe wallowing swine hadn't staged a lockout. Thanks a lot, assholes!
And you know what pisses me off about this goddamn lockout besides there not being hockey and not having a goddamn beard?
This lockout out has given all these self-righteous cock gobblers out there more fuel to spew there "Well I think athletes are overpaid and they shouldn't make more money than doctors or teachers or fire fighters or police officers" bullshit. Because let's face it....this line of thinking is bullshit.
We live in fucking North America. Capitalism rules, baby. And if you don't like it, get the fuck out, you communist hippie!
At least this seems to be the general attitude from the majority of the population.
So, while these douchers whine and bitch and moan about overpaid players making more than doctors and lawyers, the moment the government mentions the words "raising" and "taxes", which is what would probably be required to pay teachers and doctors and fire fighters and police officers in this country since these services are all offered free of charge to the average citizen, you might as well have just strapped that person down and taken a large dump right in their mouth. Because they will go down, kicking and screaming, trying to fight against any sort of increase in taxes to prevent the "damn government" from taking all their "hard earned money".
But, if the local sports franchise in which they hold season tickets to, decides to raise season ticket prices yet again that year, they will mumble and grumble a little bit, but when it comes time to renew those tickets, you bet your ass they will fork over the several thousands of dollars required to do so.
So, if capitalism rules and the free market dictates value, who's overpaid?
Wednesday, 19 September 2012
Brad's Beardless NHL Lockout Protest: Day 4
So the NHL cancelled preseason games. And, while True North IS offering a refund or credit for the tickets I've purchased (True North....sigh....too bad they're lumped in with other douche volcanoes like Ed Snider and Jeremy "Eat A Fucking Dick" Jacobs), the NHL has not offered me any sort of refund on the NHL merchandise I have purchased to be a super fan and wear to said preseason games.
By my calculation, I spent about $600 on various Jets merchandise. So if we take two games out of 43 home games, that is 4.6% of value lost on my purchases. So I expect to see a cheque in the mail for $27.90 from the NHL to make up for the decrease in value of goods I purchased from them, seeing as the lockout does not count as an act of God, but instead is entirely a result of the owners refusing to allow hockey to happen. And speaking of God, clearly God does not exist because you can't just give Winnipeg hockey fans hockey and then suddenly tear it away from us like candy from a baby.
And did I mention that I still have no beard? I shaved again this morning. My face looked like a freshly shorn scrotum.
Also, while I'm discussing hockey related protests, I'd like to mention that EA Sports can go and die. Not only did they ruin football games when they negotiated an exclusive rights contract with the NFL, spelling the end for the far superior NFL 2K series, they've also ruined sports games in general.
And here is why: EA Sports games are cheap fucking cunts.
Because they can't be bothered with developing proper physics and AI in their games, they have to program in Fuck You Mode into all of their sports games to ensure that final scores are close. In hockey, the Fuck You Mode is controlled through their goalies. If you start winning to many games, suddenly you play a game against James Reimer and you get 78 shots, most of them excellent scoring chances and you score 1 fucking goal. Meanwhile, you have Tim Fucking Thomas in net, he faces 7 shots and lets in 5 goals and you lose the game 5-1.
NHL 10, the last EA sports game I will ever buy, had some "intelligent" handicapping system that would "increase" the difficulty of the computer opponent (mostly by making the computer's goalie Hasek in his prime and your goalie Andre Racicot in his prime) in order to create a consistent level playing field. The problem is you can't fucking turn off this adaptive setting so if you don't play the game for a few months and decide to pick it up again and continue your franchise, you just get hammered in the ass 8-0 for six games in a row before opening up your X-Box, ripping out the disc and fucking annihilating it in a rage of pure anger and hate and then taking a pair of scissors and stabbing Dion Phaneuf's cunt face on the box. (Actual story that happened.)
Now, some people may argue this is just a sore loser theory or whatever. But I also own Tiger Woods Golf. And I've noticed something about it when playing a tournament. If, in you're first round, you shoot some ridiculous score like 20 under, the computer opponents will suddenly shoot between 15 and 25 under for the next three rounds. I found this out when I had the round of my life one day during round one of a tournament. I then shot respectable scores of 5 under and 6 under and didn't make the cut. I replayed the exact same tournament but decided to purposely shoot a +15 in my first round. The computer opponent's scores normalized around +10 for the next three rounds and I shot around 5 under the last three rounds and ABSOLUTELY CRUSHED THE FIELD.
If that's not proof EA doesn't program Fuck You Mode into their games, I don't know what is.
So EA Sports can eat fucking dicks and get herpes and die.
By my calculation, I spent about $600 on various Jets merchandise. So if we take two games out of 43 home games, that is 4.6% of value lost on my purchases. So I expect to see a cheque in the mail for $27.90 from the NHL to make up for the decrease in value of goods I purchased from them, seeing as the lockout does not count as an act of God, but instead is entirely a result of the owners refusing to allow hockey to happen. And speaking of God, clearly God does not exist because you can't just give Winnipeg hockey fans hockey and then suddenly tear it away from us like candy from a baby.
And did I mention that I still have no beard? I shaved again this morning. My face looked like a freshly shorn scrotum.
Also, while I'm discussing hockey related protests, I'd like to mention that EA Sports can go and die. Not only did they ruin football games when they negotiated an exclusive rights contract with the NFL, spelling the end for the far superior NFL 2K series, they've also ruined sports games in general.
And here is why: EA Sports games are cheap fucking cunts.
Because they can't be bothered with developing proper physics and AI in their games, they have to program in Fuck You Mode into all of their sports games to ensure that final scores are close. In hockey, the Fuck You Mode is controlled through their goalies. If you start winning to many games, suddenly you play a game against James Reimer and you get 78 shots, most of them excellent scoring chances and you score 1 fucking goal. Meanwhile, you have Tim Fucking Thomas in net, he faces 7 shots and lets in 5 goals and you lose the game 5-1.
NHL 10, the last EA sports game I will ever buy, had some "intelligent" handicapping system that would "increase" the difficulty of the computer opponent (mostly by making the computer's goalie Hasek in his prime and your goalie Andre Racicot in his prime) in order to create a consistent level playing field. The problem is you can't fucking turn off this adaptive setting so if you don't play the game for a few months and decide to pick it up again and continue your franchise, you just get hammered in the ass 8-0 for six games in a row before opening up your X-Box, ripping out the disc and fucking annihilating it in a rage of pure anger and hate and then taking a pair of scissors and stabbing Dion Phaneuf's cunt face on the box. (Actual story that happened.)
Now, some people may argue this is just a sore loser theory or whatever. But I also own Tiger Woods Golf. And I've noticed something about it when playing a tournament. If, in you're first round, you shoot some ridiculous score like 20 under, the computer opponents will suddenly shoot between 15 and 25 under for the next three rounds. I found this out when I had the round of my life one day during round one of a tournament. I then shot respectable scores of 5 under and 6 under and didn't make the cut. I replayed the exact same tournament but decided to purposely shoot a +15 in my first round. The computer opponent's scores normalized around +10 for the next three rounds and I shot around 5 under the last three rounds and ABSOLUTELY CRUSHED THE FIELD.
If that's not proof EA doesn't program Fuck You Mode into their games, I don't know what is.
So EA Sports can eat fucking dicks and get herpes and die.
Tuesday, 18 September 2012
Brad's Beardless NHL Lockout Protest: Day 3
Gary Bettman can eat a dick. Why? Because today I froze my face off standing in the middle of a soybean field for 14 hours, in the cold, in the wind. Why? Because I no longer have a beard to protect my delicate face skin and meat. Why? Because I shaved off my beard, with its protective thermal insulating layer of beard hairs. Why? To protest the NHL lockout. Why? Because Gary Bettman can eat a dick.
Monday, 17 September 2012
Brad's Beardless NHL Lockout Protest: Day 2
First off, shaving every day is bullshit. That's like seven minutes of porn I've wantonly decided to forego each day. That's time I'll never get back. Hope you're happy Gary Bettman.
Second, I cut myself shaving today. Which led to blood. That blood is on your hands Gary Bettman and various NHL owners. That blood is on YOUR GODDAMN HANDS! You could end this madness right now by ending the lockout instead of having myself and the rest of the world unnecessarily suffer without my beard.
Second, I cut myself shaving today. Which led to blood. That blood is on your hands Gary Bettman and various NHL owners. That blood is on YOUR GODDAMN HANDS! You could end this madness right now by ending the lockout instead of having myself and the rest of the world unnecessarily suffer without my beard.
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