Monday, 14 January 2013

Brad's 20 Favorite Albums of 2012

I've reached the crotchety, old, "get off my damn lawn you punk kids" phase of my musical life, what with all the beeping, booping and discoteche-ing going on with their electronic future music.  I was born in the 80's....I really don't want to go back.  Plus, if history tells us anything, whenever we try to sound all futuristic and shit, it doesn't age well at all.

Luckily, Ty Segall exists.  And he kicks so much fucking ass.

20.) Cloud Nothing - Attack on Memory

I bet when Silverchair heard this album they were all like "Fuck...that's what we should have tried to do.  Then people wouldn't have forgotten we existed."

Fave tracks:  No Future, No Past and Stay Useless

19.) Godspeed You Black Emperor - Allelujah! Don't Bend! Ascend!

Getting a Godspeed You Black Emperor album unexpectedly is always a nice gift that makes you feel all warm and cozy on the inside.

Fave tracks:  Godspeed You Black Emperor albums are to be listened in full.

18.) The Shins - Port of Morrow

Just classic Shins.  Poppy and produced enough to enjoy some mainstream success while maintaining street cred with the kids.

Fave tracks:  Simple Song and For A Fool

17.) Baroness - Green & Yellow

One of about three metal bands I actually listen to.  And metal is probably a loose term.  Still, they kick ass, write interesting songs, have some sweet riffs and don't sing a whole bunch about dragons, satan or corn children.

Fave tracks:  Eula and Take My Bones Away

16.) FIDLAR - Shit We Recorded In Our Bedroom EP

God I can't wait for FIDLAR to release a proper album.  It's going to tear everyone faces off.  This band should be the next big thing.  They probably won't, though, because people suck.  They are rock and roll.  This would be significantly higher if it had more than 4 songs.

Fave tracks:  West Coast and Crackhead Ted

15.) Killer Mike - Rap Music

I didn't hear too much rap that caught my ear this year.  Killer Mike had an awesome track called That's Life from several years ago and finally got me interested in a whole album this year.  Rap needs some more guys like, aware of what's going on in the real world and able to not be a total lame ass rapping about "issues."

Fave tracks:  Reagan and Don't Die

14.) Grizzly Bear - Shields

Part of me thinks I should like Grizzly Bear more than I do because they make some beautiful music that gets stuck in my head.  But part of me wants to hate Grizzly Bear because would it hurt them to display at least a little goddamn testosterone once in awhile?

Fave tracks:  Yet Again and Sleeping Ute

13.) Ty Segall & White Fence - Hair

Ty Segall is the future.  And the present.  And he kicks so much ass.  It's telling that this is his "worst" album of the year, and comes in at 13.  There are two more coming.

Fave tracks:  Easy Ryder and Scissor People

12.) Death Grips - The Money Store

Thank god someone finally decided to do something completely new with rap.  I guess its experimental and probably a lot of people will hate this, but at least its interesting and doesn't suck.

Fave tracks:  Get Got

11.) Titus Andronicus - Local Business

I'll admit, I kinda slept on Titus Andronicus.  The Airing of Grievances album sat in my collection, unlistened to for years.  Then a a few months ago I put it in and realized it is brilliant shit.  The Monitor was also pretty awesome.  Then they released Local Business this year.  Just another slice of brilliant rock and roll.

Fave tracks:  Ecce Homo and My Eating Disorder (no good youtube vids for these)

10.) The Flaming Lips - The Flaming Lips and Heady Fwends

Just when I was starting to lose a bit of interest, they release this magnificent slice of psychadelic mind fuck.  Who would have thought I'd love a Ke$ha track this much!

Fave tracks:  2012 You Must Be Upgraded and Ashes In The Air

9.) Spiritualized - Sweet Heart Sweet Light

Hey Jane is one of my fave songs of the year.  So there's that.  And this album is another in a long line of great albums by J. Spaceman.

Fave tracks:  Hey Jane and Little Girl

8.) Metz - Metz

You can't listen to Metz loud enough.  You really can't.

Fave tracks:  Get Off  and Knife In The Water

7.) Jack White - Blunderbuss

An old favorite of mine.  While I wasn't blown away by his solo debut like some apparently were, I also wasn't disappointed.  And after the luke warm feeling I'd had towards the Raconteurs and Dead Weather, I thought I would be disappointed.

Fave tracks:  Freedom at 21 and I'm Shakin'

6.) Tame Impala - Lonerism

I jizzed my pants when I first heard Elephant.  Then I didn't fully understand the hype behind the rest of the album.  Then I listened to it using headphones.  It needs to be heard with headphones to be fully appreciated.

Fave tracks:  Elephant and Mind Mischief

5.) Ty Segall - Twins

The last album Ty Fucking Segall released this year.  It might climb higher the more I listen to it.  It's awesome.

Fave tracks:  You're The Doctor, Thank God For The Sinners and The Hill

4.) Thee Oh Sees - Putrifiers II

It's no secret that my upbringing of a steady dose of KY58 has instilled in me an affinity towards the wonderful musical stylings of garage rock.  So I'm not sure if the rekindling of my love of garage rock this past year is just part of my musical taste cycle or if people like Ty Segall and Thee Oh Sees just released brilliant albums.  I'm pretty sure its the latter.

Fave tracks:  Putrifiers II, Lupine Dominus, and Flood's New Light

3.) FIDLAR - Don't Try EP

There are only four songs on this EP.  They all kick so much fucking ass.  Full album coming out in February.  It's gonna be awesome.

Fave tracks:  Got No Money, No Waves, No Ass, and Black Out Stout

2.) Father John Misty - Fear Fun

Dude quits Fleet Foxes.  Dude makes music that definitely comes from same vein as Fleet Foxes, but is significantly more interesting than last Fleet Foxes album.  Funtimes in Babylon.

Fave tracks:  Nancy From Now, I'm Writing A Novel, Tee Pees 1-12, and Well, You Can Do It Without Me

1.) Ty Segall Band - Slaughterhouse

Have I mentioned before that Ty Segall is, like, really, really good.  Because he is.  He's rock and roll's best kept secret and even the indie kids seem reluctant to crown him grand champion of everything, which he probably is.

Fave Tracks:  Tell Me What's Inside Your Heart, I Bought My Eyes, Muscle Man, and Diddy Wah Diddy (magnificent Captain Beefheart cover)

Friday, 4 January 2013


In many ways, I didn't know Grandpa that well.  It's not that I didn't enjoy being around him or anything like's more that we Hunts have a tendency to keep things to ourselves.

I mean, I knew Grandpa loved hunting, sports, working in the garden, king pedro, the occasional rye and coke, cribbage and he could wear the shit out of a paper Christmas crown.  I just didn't know a whole lot about him.  What made him tick.

For example, I know he served in World War 2, but I have no idea what capacity he served, where he served, etc.  It was one of those things he never talked about.  And there were a lot of things us Hunts don't talk about.  We don't handle emotional stuff well and I'm pretty sure bringing up the war would bring up emotional stuff that Grandpa would prefer not to deal with.

I also know he was a stubborn sonofabitch.  Most old timers are.  Grandpa had his way about doing things and didn't stray too far from it.  At least that's what I gather from the stories I'd hear from Dad about growing up.

I remember numerous years ago Grandpa had some health issues and I think most of us, himself included, figured he was reaching the end of the line.  That Christmas we all got some pretty big cheques and it seemed like he was handing out one last gift to us before punching his card.  But that was several years ago........the next few Christmases had a significantly smaller cheque.  And then there were more health problems.  And we figured his card was going to get punched.  And he kept plugging along for damn near ten more years.  Like I said, the man was a stubborn sonofabitch!

Anyways, I've spent the week laid up on the couch, sick, and earlier in the week I was watching some program and one of the characters was overtly optimistic about everything, despite how poorly things were going in his life.  When confronted about his optimism he mentioned its important to stay positive so you can try and pull out any of the silver linings from your terrible situation, otherwise they will pass you by.  I thought it was pretty terrible and tacky and was willing to present an argument against such an outlook on life, but for some reason I kept thinking about that line all week.

Then yesterday morning I got a call that Grandpa was not doing well at all and they figured this was going to be the last hurrah.  In many ways, it was time.  Grandpa had a good run.  He was 90ish and had spent the last couple years slipping into poorer and poorer health.  And one of the things that had been going for awhile was his memory and mind, which is always a struggle for family members.  Grandma suffered from Alzheimer's when I was much younger and it's not easy.

Anyways, I spent a lot of the day thinking about Grandpa.  Remembering good times like hunting in Reston, playing hockey in his drive way or basement, watching Hockey The Lighter Side over and over again at his place as it was the only thing resembling children's programming in his VHS collection.  I remember Grandpa would drive out to Kirkella, which was like a 4 hour drive the one way, just to watch me play hockey.  He loved watching his grandchildren play sports and when you'd talk to him about sports, he'd be sure to remind you how to play the game properly.

Then I started thinking about recent years, as Grandpa's health deteriorated.  I didn't visit him too many times in the hospital/nursing home over the last couple years, I think mainly because of how much I struggled visiting Grandma when she was dealing with Alzheimer's.  I probably selfishly preferred to have my older memories of Grandpa.  However, the last couple months I ended up visiting him several times and was quite glad I got the opportunity to do so.  And then I got to thinking about that stupid silver linings quote from the other day......and was reminded of the following:

About a year and a half ago or two years ago I was out in Treherne and Dad decided to go in Sunday morning and pick up Grandpa and bring him out for the day, with the idea I'd take him back when I went back to the city.  Grandpa was in much better physical health then, but his mind was going.  Driving back, Grandpa completely forgot who I was within 5 minutes and didn't recognize me the rest of the trip.  But as we drove past Starbuck he turned to me and said "This here is the town where I met my wife."  Grandpa then started talking about Grandma and remembering a bunch of things about her.  And I think because I was a stranger to Grandpa since he no longer recognized me, there was no longer this emotional wall built up between us.  And so I took the opportunity to ask Grandpa about his wife, how they met and all these other things.  And Grandpa opened right up and spent the rest of the ride talking about her.  It was amazing.

After that experience, I felt like I got to learn a bit more about Grandpa and what made him tick.  For one thing, I have no doubt he loved Grandma deeply.  He had no idea who I was, but he could remember details about meeting her like it was yesterday.

I'm pretty sure what drove Grandpa was his love for the people around him.  He may not have always been the best at communicating this, but when I look back I think this is true.  He tried to do what he thought was best for them, even if they didn't quite understand it or like it at the time.

So, in many ways, this little experience where I got to learn a bit more about Grandma and Grandpa's obvious love for her was one of the silver linings of his illness.  And for that I will be forever grateful.

RIP, Grandpa Ted.

Monday, 19 November 2012

Did The Jays Lose The Marlins Trade?

The general opinion going around is that the Toronto Blue Jays up and fleeced the Marlins in their recent massive trade and, in terms immediate baseball talent, they probably did.  And while it will be the most anticipated season in recent memory for Jays fans, I can't help but get an uneasy feeling this trade may come and bite the team in the ass down the road as I look more into it.

First off, the centrepiece of the deal is generally considered to be Jose Reyes, an All Star shortstop and, admittedly, fairly exciting player to watch.  He's been a great player in the past, getting on base at a good but not great clip, and had plus plus speed a few years ago but due to decline and injuries, probably only possesses plus speed at this point.  Arguably the most talented player in the trade, there is no doubt he will contribute significantly over the next few years.

But here's the problem....since Reyes signed a backloaded contract last year with the Marlins, $66 million of his $106 million contract is paid out over his age 32 to 34 seasons.  $10 million was paid out last year, which means the Marlins got one year of him at under market value, which also means that the contract will be over market value down the road.  And considering middle infielders don't age graciously (Jays fans may remember when Robbie Alomar fell off a cliff as a Met) paying Jose Reyes $22 million as a 33 year old might severely limit the Jays roster flexibility in a few years.

Now, one could make an argument that Josh Johnson is the most talented player in the trade (and considering the importance of starting pitcher, he may be the most important to the success of the Jays next year).  However, he has one year at $13.75 mil left on his deal and then hits the open market.  And his agent has made it known he has every intention of testing that open market.  So the Jays are only getting one year out of Johnson and, given his injury history, this may only result in 10-15 starts.

And this is where it starts getting ugly.  Mark Buehrle used to be a pretty solid pitcher.  And while he's not terrible, he's not much more than a decent 4th starter that doesn't miss any bats at this point in his career.  Useful, for sure.  However, due to the backloaded contract he signed last year with Miami (notice a trend starting?), he's due to make $19 million as a 34 year old and $20 million as a 35 year old.  $20 million for an aging number 4 pitcher that can't strike anybody out is a steep price.

John Buck has been terrible the last two years after a flukey season in TO a couple years ago.  If the Jays are playing him regularly, they have issues, which means John Buck is not much more than a $6.5 million bullpen catcher.

Finally, Emilio Bonifacio is a utility infielder with good speed but not a whole lot else.  He's under team control for the next couple seasons and, while useful and reasonably cost effective, he's not going to be a star and probably shouldn't start on a contending team.

So, while the Jays definitely got some big names and talented players, their value is not exactly through the roof.  In fact, the only players they got whose contracts are under market value is a pending UFA (Johnson) and a utility infielder (Bonifacio).  Meanwhile Buck and Buehrle are woefully overpaid and Reyes will probably end up being overpaid.

Meanwhile, they didn't give up a stack of nobodies.  Yunel Escobar may be a head case, but he's also a pretty serviceable middle infielder with a reasonable contract.  Hechevarria and Alvarez both look to be useful guys under team control for the next few years but probably won't make the Jays regret making the trade.   Jake Marisnick is a bit of a boom or bust prospect that could make the Jays regret this trade down the road and turn into a perennial all star....or he could be Andy Marte.  Justin Nicolino is a hard throwing lefty and everyone loves hard throwing lefties, while DeScalfani is a bit far off to accurately project but looks like a potential end of rotation starter.  I'm not sure why the Marlins wanted Jeff Mathis.

If you consider things in terms of monetary value, the Marlins made out pretty good here.  Hell, they might have won.  In exchange for a bunch of players getting paid what they deserve (or more), they got some interesting/useful young players getting paid less than what they're worth.  And if you look at it further, two key pieces of the trade weren't even on the Marlins roster last year.  They signed Reyes and Buerhle as free agents last year, backloaded their contracts, got one season out of each at under market value, realized they weren't a contender, packaged those two players along with an impending UFA and got a package of 4 or 5 decent to good prospects.  That's the kind of shit you used to be able to pull off in GM mode in video games 10 years ago before they adjusted the AI to prevent that shit.

If Jeffery Loria wasn't Jeffrey Loria, this might look like a genius series of moves.  But Jeffrey Loria is a cunt and, when you look at the way things have played out, it seems to point to the following series of events:

1.)  Jeffrey Loria convinces dumbass Florida politicians to build him brand new stadium, promising to increase payroll and cease firesales in the future.  Dumbass Florida politicians believe him, despite the fact he's fucking Jeffrey Loria.

2.)  Jeffrey Loria gets brand new, mostly publicly financed stadium despite being a piece of shit.  Jeffrey Loria proceeds to make good on his initial promise and sign a bunch of players to above market value contracts.  Two keys to each contract:  there aren't any no trade clauses and all the contracts are significantly backloaded.

3.)  Marlins flounder some out of the gate.  Jeffrey Loria, going back on his promise, starts the fire sale, trading Hanley Ramirez and Heath Bell during the season.

4.)  Marlins then dump rest of team in trade to Toronto Blue Jays in the offseason.  Without no trade clauses and the backloaded contracts, Jeffrey Loria was able to create the illusion of spending, with no risk, and really only being out $24 million, which is a small price to pay for a brand new $634 million stadium.  Now their top two highest paid players are Ricky Nolasco ($11.5 mil) and Yunel Escobar ($5 mil).

5.)  Jeffrey Loria sits in brand new, publicly built stadium, collecting revenue sharing cheques and spending the least he can on payroll, making asstons of money to his personal account in the process.

6.)  Hopefully dumbass politicians that trusted Jeffrey Loria don't get re-elected.

Granted, none of this may matter much to Jays fans if the Jays were to make a World Series run, as the time to strike is probably now.  However, if they don't make some sort of run this year or next, expect another 5 or 6 years of trademark Blue Jays mediocrity.

As for Marlins fans........well.....I guess Jeffrey Loria has to die at some point.

Monday, 15 October 2012

Brad's Beardless NHL Lockout Protest: Day 30

I'm officially putting Gary Bettman on notice.

I don't even miss hockey anymore.  In fact, if Bettman had any brains, he'd fucking get that CBA figured out immediately because at this point, I don't even know if I need hockey.

I'm on Day 15 of my George St-Pierre workout.  And I'm making that shit work, baby!  I'm on such a roll that I think hockey might just end up getting in the way of my cagefighter training.

Furthermore, my cagefighter training is rubbing off on other aspects of my life.  My vastly improved balance, weight loss and general conditioning has improved my curling game several times over.  I was such a dominant force during my first game of the year that we stopped keeping score after the 2nd end!  BOOM!  POW!

And I feel fucking awesome.  Full of energy.  Shit....I don't even realize I've stayed an hour late at work until someone mentions it....then I'm all like "Well shit...I gotta go home and Rushfit the hell out of everything."

And the other day I had a plate of broccoli for supper.  Broccoli.  Me!!!  WTF!?!?!

But what really has me thinking we don't need hockey was watching Felix Baumgartner, the baddest badass in awesometown take a balloon up to 128,000 feet and then JUMPING THE FUCK OUT!!!  If we had this kind of shit going on all the time, we wouldn't care about hockey and football and stuff.

I actually ended up watching the ascent, all two and a half hours, instead of watching my beloved NFL.  And I didn't regret a moment of it.  There was the badassness of the whole thing.  There was Science! running amok all over everything.  There was some pretty cool engineering.  And I was fully prepared to be let down when he finally did jump.  I thought that there was no way it would be as awesome as I hoped.  But I found myself fully captivated as Felix ran through his final checklist, popped the door open and looked out onto the abyss that man was about to make his bitch.  And it WAS EVERY MOMENT AS AWESOME AS I HOPED!

I honestly think this couldn't have come at a better time.  While the political right in the US seems to be waging an all out war against science, education and fancy book learning, slashing scientific research and general education budgets and waging a war of propaganda against all them fancy book learnin' folks with their fancy degrees that don't know nothin' 'bout the troubles of us honest workin' folk, Red Bull Stratos came and bitch slapped all of that shit down with authority.  They took Felix Baumgartner, professional badass, that has BASE jumped off Taipei 101 (tallest BASE jump) and the hand of the Christ the Redeemer statue (shortest BASE jump), strapped him aboard a capsule connected to a weather balloon, sent him up and had him jump out, breaking the sound barrier.

But while all this was going on, we got to see how awesome science is.  All the engineering work that went into the capsule design.  The constant flight path recalculations.  The accurate estimates on height, top speed, etc.  And the amount of preparation Felix had to do to prepare for the flight.  It was awesome and inspiring.

There needs to be more crazy ass awesome fucking shit like this.  Way more.  And we need to make big media spectacles of this stuff.  Because it's GODDAMN COOL and there is all sorts of other cool shit that kids watching this could aspire to be.  So let's do more of this shit.  We'll get Neil Degrasse Tyson involved.  If it takes a bunch more of the sweet Red Bull money, so be it.  Because society can only become a better place if we're watching more Red Bull Stratos and less Big Bang Theory or The Bachelor.  Shit, I wouldn't even need to watch hockey anymore.

You hear that Gary Bettman?

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Lockout Protest Day 17: The George St-Pierre Workout Video

I'll admit....I kinda hit a creative lull around Day 10 and stopped blogging my Beardless NHL Lockout Protest....partially because I couldn't think of anything worth posting and partially because I was busy with work and stuff.

But I've still been shaving daily and now I'm back from my sabbatical and ready to kick ass and chew bubblegum.

During my time off, I was able to think of another scheme to try and help force the owners and Gary Bettman into unlocking out the players.  Not only will I continue to shave every day, denying the world my precious gift of beard much like NHL owners deny the world the precious gift of hockey, I will also start working out.  Regularly.  This should scare the shit out of Gary Bettman.


Because I was entirely prepared to spend any and all evenings in which the Jets played sitting on my ass, on the couch, with a six pack of beer, bag of chips, pizza and getting fat all while establishing a vicious routine of comfort that I would then use to justify watching any sort of NHL, even without the Jets playing, every night of the week.  I'd be loyal viewership in that precious male, ages 18-35 demographic that would contribute to ratings and merchandise sales and all sorts of revenue.

But if I establish a workout routine, led by the broken English support and motivation of my new friend George St-Pierre, this introduces way too many variables to my plan.  What if I develop a consistent workout routine?  What if I crave each workout with a driving passion such that I turn off NHL games to start working out?  And, God forbid, what if I start getting in shape and feeling better about myself?

What then?

Maybe I stop eating chips and pizza and start eating carrot sticks and vegetarian, whole wheat pasta.  And then I sit down to watch hockey and find myself restless.  I mean....this new found self-esteem will get me thinking about all the things I could be doing with my life other than watching hockey.  Then I find myself forgetting about hockey entirely, deciding instead to spend my evenings working in a soup kitchen and tutoring underprivileged children with their homework.



Do you ever wonder what happens when a fat man, such as myself, decides to start up something like George St-Pierre's Rushfit?  I'll tell you.

Minute Zero:  Alright....time to start this shit.  (*Receives text message from co-worker: Brad, want to go for some cold ones at Thirsty Lion?*)

Minute Zero, the Next Day:  Okay....this time for real...gonna start some Rushfit.  Bring it on, you dirty French surrender monkey.  I've been biking 30 K, six days a week for three months.  I've been playing hockey.  I've been lifting weights and doing situps and stretching.  I'm ready for you.

Minute Five (Warm-up Round):  Well, this isn't so bad.  Breathing hard.  Starting to break a bit of a sweat.  Haven't pulled anything, which is surprising.  Really thought my back would have given out by now.  Must be all that biking.

Minute Eight (Warm-up Round, still):  I'm going to get through this.  I'm going to come in here, Day 1, make Rushfit my bitch and get fucking RIPPED AND JACKED!  BOOYEAH!  I'm even keeping pace with Mr. World Champion himself.

Minute Ten (End of Warm-up, Real Round 1):  Okay.  Now for the real deal.  I'm sweating, but so is GSP.  All this biking has made me a fucking fitness champion.  Sure, I'm a bit doughy looking still, but that's just residual fat from years of binge eating and depression.  I probably have a six-pack and shit under there.  Today I AM A FITNESS CHAMP.  What's this?  Air squats? Child's play!

Minute 13 (Still Round 1):  Man....this is really starting to burn the old leg muscles.  I mean....there is some muscle on the outside of my thighs that GODDAMN BURNS LIKE HELL.  I don't even know what this muscle is called because I NEVER KNEW IT FUCKING EXISTED BEFORE.  Jesus Christ, when are we getting to the core and upper body workouts.

Minute 15 (End of Round 1):  DEAR GOD!  Thank-you for this 40 second break.  Oh, water, precious life-blood of humanity.  How you quench mine thirst.  You taste so delicious and sacred...I shall never drink any other liquid ever again.

Minute 16 (Round 2):  FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!  More goddamn air squats!?!?!?

Minute 17 (Still Round 2):  OH FUCK!  How the HELL am I supposed to do these goddamn burpee style things when it feels like there is a GODDAMN KNIFE stabbed into the mystery muscle on the side of my GODDAMN THIGH!'re a fucking've focused, committed and aren't going to let a little bit of pain fucking let you down.  you're mind's still sharp....the spirit is willing.....LET'S FUCKING DO THIS SHIT!

.....goddamn...why can't I do this.....why, leg, won't you push goddamn brain is sending you a fucking signal to push up....i don't care if it burns and you're tired....we're a team and we're fucking's not like its ripping or tearing or're just a GODDAMN PUSSY.  PUSH THE FUCK UP!

Minute 18 - 35 (Middle of Round 2 to end of Round 4):  Lying in a sweaty heap of fat, out of shape, unathletic patheticness on the floor, wondering how it ever got to this.

Minute 36 (Round 5):  Alright.....let's fucking give 'er this last round and call it a success.  CHAMPS DON'T QUIT.....

Minute 41 (End of Round 5):  Holy shit...made it through that round.  FUCK and YES!  Completed Day 1.  I mean....there are a lot of champs out there that take at least 2/5ths of the game off.  I mean, Tom Brady has played in 5 Super Bowls, won 3 of them, and he only plays 50% of the game.


Oh sweet....Cajun Justice marathon!

Thursday, 27 September 2012

Brad's Beardless NHL Lockout Protest: Day 12

I'd like to note that Day 11 is the day we all lost hope in the NHL resolving their issues in time for a season.  Things have moved from mild outrage an exhausted apathy.  TSN shamefully threw in the towel and started airing European hockey league highlights.  In what I only assume was an attempt to appeal to our nostalgic idea of when hockey existed in a simpler time, TSN has ripped through the '87 Canada Cup and the '72 Summit Series.  And Sportsnet...well....nobody watches Sportsnet except when NFL is on and they black out NFL Network.

Now, TSN did air a "What Happened To.." feature on Manon Rheaume.  And she's still totally hot and a total milf and I'd definitely bang her, so at least there was that.

In beardless news, I discovered today that my beard is a key component to my water fountain usage at work.  When I use the water fountain, any water that doesn't quite get in my mouth now runs down my face, down my chin and drips all over the floor.  This is an issue because I like to make long, intense, awkward eye contact with another guy from work who's office window looks directly out at the water fountain.  Now, a giant, potentially hazardous, puddle of water forms under the water fountain.  With my beard, the water would trap and bead in my beard and safely drip back into the water fountain drain.

Also, since I'm bitter about the lockout and want to be a bitter, angry downer, the following are things that way too many people like that actually suck:

1.) Dane Cook
2.) Big Bang Theory
3.) Mumford & Sons
4.) Srkillex
5.) Russell Peters

Brad's Beardless NHL Lockout Protest: Day 11

My new goal is to buy an NHL team.  I don't even care which one.  I'll even buy the Panthers and keep them in Florida move them to Juarez, Mexico if that's what Bettman decides I need to do to get in.

I really only want to do this so I can be the lone dissenting voice amongst the ownership group.  Because all we ever hear is how the owners are unified and 100% behind Gary Bettman.  Which is BULLSHIT!  Just look at True North.  You can't tell me they're too happy having a lockout.  They made a bunch of money...they have a hockey hungry market with guaranteed revenues for the foreseeable future and they certainly don't want to be disenchanting a shit load of casual fans that got caught up in the hype and hysteria last year.  Oh....and one has to imagine a significant chunk of money was freed up from other investments in order to purchase the team last year.  That's a lot of money that could be collecting interest or invested into high rate of return investments that is currently tied up in a business making absolutely no money.

All I want is to go all Mark Cuban on everyone's ass and piss the living fuck out of Jeremy Douche Geyser Jacobs and go public saying I don't support Bettman or the other owners.

So, in order to buy an NHL team, I'm gonna need a shitload of cash.  And, while I would have been able to pimp myself out to tons of hot bitches and make shitloads of money as a high class manwhore, I currently lack the amazing beard to do so.  So this means I need to concoct a crazy money making scheme.  So I present to you the Stranglebator 3500!

Now, while I strongly believe stranglebator survival rates showed be determined by some sort of Darwinian function, I'm also a capitalist that isn't going to shy away from a business opportunity when I see one.  I have identified that stranglebating is a high risk activity that is in need of adequate safety equipment.  Not only do stranglebators risk death each time they get down to business...they also run the even bigger risk of dying while stranglebating and having this information go public.  Nobody wants to be the next Michael Hutchence or David Carradine.  Remember....when you die is not nearly as important as how you die.  And nobody wants to die while simultaneously choking themselves and masturbating.

And this is where the Stranglebator 5000 comes in.  I envision it being some sort of quick release mechanism that could be electronically actuated.  Your belt or other strangling device would be attached to this and the apparatus could be mounted to a door knob or bathroom hook or whatever stranglebators use.  This device would be wired to a PLC (programmable logic controller).  Also wired to the PLC would be a pair of accelerometer wristbands, that would send a signal to the PLC when the accelerometers detected movement.

Now, if the accelerometers are detecting above a certain threshold of movement, this means all is well and the user can continue to do what they're doing.  If, for whatever reason, the accelerometer is not sending a large enough signal back to the PLC (ie. the wrist bands are no longer moving), it will send a signal to the quick release mechanism to actuate, releasing the choking device and allowing air to flow to the users lungs before they completely pass out and die.