Thursday, 27 September 2012

Brad's Beardless NHL Lockout Protest: Day 12

I'd like to note that Day 11 is the day we all lost hope in the NHL resolving their issues in time for a season.  Things have moved from mild outrage an exhausted apathy.  TSN shamefully threw in the towel and started airing European hockey league highlights.  In what I only assume was an attempt to appeal to our nostalgic idea of when hockey existed in a simpler time, TSN has ripped through the '87 Canada Cup and the '72 Summit Series.  And Sportsnet...well....nobody watches Sportsnet except when NFL is on and they black out NFL Network.

Now, TSN did air a "What Happened To.." feature on Manon Rheaume.  And she's still totally hot and a total milf and I'd definitely bang her, so at least there was that.

In beardless news, I discovered today that my beard is a key component to my water fountain usage at work.  When I use the water fountain, any water that doesn't quite get in my mouth now runs down my face, down my chin and drips all over the floor.  This is an issue because I like to make long, intense, awkward eye contact with another guy from work who's office window looks directly out at the water fountain.  Now, a giant, potentially hazardous, puddle of water forms under the water fountain.  With my beard, the water would trap and bead in my beard and safely drip back into the water fountain drain.

Also, since I'm bitter about the lockout and want to be a bitter, angry downer, the following are things that way too many people like that actually suck:

1.) Dane Cook
2.) Big Bang Theory
3.) Mumford & Sons
4.) Srkillex
5.) Russell Peters

Brad's Beardless NHL Lockout Protest: Day 11

My new goal is to buy an NHL team.  I don't even care which one.  I'll even buy the Panthers and keep them in Florida move them to Juarez, Mexico if that's what Bettman decides I need to do to get in.

I really only want to do this so I can be the lone dissenting voice amongst the ownership group.  Because all we ever hear is how the owners are unified and 100% behind Gary Bettman.  Which is BULLSHIT!  Just look at True North.  You can't tell me they're too happy having a lockout.  They made a bunch of money...they have a hockey hungry market with guaranteed revenues for the foreseeable future and they certainly don't want to be disenchanting a shit load of casual fans that got caught up in the hype and hysteria last year.  Oh....and one has to imagine a significant chunk of money was freed up from other investments in order to purchase the team last year.  That's a lot of money that could be collecting interest or invested into high rate of return investments that is currently tied up in a business making absolutely no money.

All I want is to go all Mark Cuban on everyone's ass and piss the living fuck out of Jeremy Douche Geyser Jacobs and go public saying I don't support Bettman or the other owners.

So, in order to buy an NHL team, I'm gonna need a shitload of cash.  And, while I would have been able to pimp myself out to tons of hot bitches and make shitloads of money as a high class manwhore, I currently lack the amazing beard to do so.  So this means I need to concoct a crazy money making scheme.  So I present to you the Stranglebator 3500!

Now, while I strongly believe stranglebator survival rates showed be determined by some sort of Darwinian function, I'm also a capitalist that isn't going to shy away from a business opportunity when I see one.  I have identified that stranglebating is a high risk activity that is in need of adequate safety equipment.  Not only do stranglebators risk death each time they get down to business...they also run the even bigger risk of dying while stranglebating and having this information go public.  Nobody wants to be the next Michael Hutchence or David Carradine.  Remember....when you die is not nearly as important as how you die.  And nobody wants to die while simultaneously choking themselves and masturbating.

And this is where the Stranglebator 5000 comes in.  I envision it being some sort of quick release mechanism that could be electronically actuated.  Your belt or other strangling device would be attached to this and the apparatus could be mounted to a door knob or bathroom hook or whatever stranglebators use.  This device would be wired to a PLC (programmable logic controller).  Also wired to the PLC would be a pair of accelerometer wristbands, that would send a signal to the PLC when the accelerometers detected movement.

Now, if the accelerometers are detecting above a certain threshold of movement, this means all is well and the user can continue to do what they're doing.  If, for whatever reason, the accelerometer is not sending a large enough signal back to the PLC (ie. the wrist bands are no longer moving), it will send a signal to the quick release mechanism to actuate, releasing the choking device and allowing air to flow to the users lungs before they completely pass out and die.

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Brad's Beardless NHL Lockout Protest: Day 10

So, whilst I was angrily and frustratingly shaving, it donned on me that I only have one razor blade.  And considering the last time I purchased shaving equipment was probably sometime in 2006ish, it began to don on me that I'm probably way behind the razor technology curve.  I'm still rocking a Gilette Mach 3 that I got for free in some promotional handout of hygiene products way back during my first year of university.  I assume this handout was 10% promotional and 90% trying to get computer science students to use deodorant.

Back to the lockout, though.  If this thing drags out much longer I'm going to need to buy some more razor blades.  And I assume the Mach 3 is no longer in circulation.  I'm sure it was left in a cloud of dust during the great razor blade race of the mid-2000's.  I don't even know how many blades we're up to.  I assume we're probably around 6 by now.  Someone should do a study to determine the razor blade asymptote.


In other lockout news, the NFL referee lockout.....clusterfuck doesn't even do it justice.  I actually turned off the game Monday night about halfway through the fourth quarter.  There was a play where the Seahawks QB through a pretty good pass into one-on-one coverage.  The Green Bay corner, I believe it was Shields, covered the play brilliantly.  As a football fan, it was a thing of beauty how he kept pace stride for stride, turned around, located the ball and then made a brilliant play on it, breaking up the pass.  It was text book and one of those plays that makes me appreciate how talented some of these players are.  So of course the ref threw a pass interference flag on the play.  It was such a horrible call on such a well executed play that it was my breaking point.  I had to shut off the TV because these refs have basically reduced the game to "drunken, blindfolded hobo jacking off onto a dart board" levels of randomness.

And apparently it got worse.

After watching all the highlights, the big take away for me is that Pete Carroll is fucking clownshoes.  I say this because after the debacling by the refs during the Sunday night game, Harbaugh and Belichick met each other in the field and shook hands.  Both coaches seemed to give knowing looks that what just happened was a gong show and that the result of this game, outside of the standings, was basically meaningless in terms of one team or the other gaining any advantage in the decent rivalry building between the two teams.  Both coaches realized this was a potentially great game ruined by the officials and neither team was pleased with how it played out.

Carroll, meanwhile, was celebrating and fist pumping like a fucking moron and constantly refuses to acknowledge that the victory is a result of pure, dumb, incompetent luck.  Harbaugh, while definitely going to take the win, seems to have too much respect for the game, the players and the coaches he goes up against.  And this is why Carroll is clownshoes.

Monday, 24 September 2012

Brad's Beardless NHL Protest: Day 9

While it may be true that most NHL players are really just Co-op Farm Supply water truck drivers and phys. ed. teachers that showed a little too much drive and work ethic for those positions and are only millionaires because of our society's probably misplaced value system in which we put our desire to be entertained well ahead of our desire to not go into massive credit card debt so we can afford season tickets, I thought it would be fun to Wikipedia some owners and see what their deal is.

Also, it will give me an idea of some secondary businesses that these owners own that I can boycott.

Today, I selected Stan Kroenke, owner of the Colorado Avalanche.  I picked him from the list because I'm pretty sure he owned an NFL team at one point.

So it says here Kroenke's wife is the daughter of Wal-Mart co-founder Bud Walton and they inherited Bud's stake in Wal-Mart when he died.  This is off to a flying start, because I already have a Wal-Mart boycott!  Fuck those fucks.

Besides owning the Colorado Avalanche, he also "owns" the Denver Nuggets, Colorado Rapids (MLS) and Colorado Mammoth (NLL).  All these teams are technically listed as owned by Josh Kroenke so that Stan can also own the St. Louis Rams and get around NFL owner restrictions (there's that NFL team I thought he owned).  Stan is also the majority owner of Arsenal, which is in some homosexual soccer league.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I guess Stan is one of those guys that should be lumped in with all the rest of the hard-working, smart, job-creating owners of the NHL that assume all the risks and allow the cattle to graze at their ranch.  After all, he had an excellent business model of marrying some rich broad who's daddy was a multi-billionaire.  And like any trophy husband, he wanted a few nice toys to keep him happy so his wife bought him some sports franchises.  And what do trophy husbands do with the toys afforded them by their sugar mommas?  Umm......concern themselves with the bottom line???????  Ummm....hmmm..

Maybe, considering all that fat Wal-Mart money he's been using to buy sports teams, the Wal-Mart guys were all like "Stan...we'll give you some fat Wal-Mart cash to buy these sports teams as long you maintain our proud tradition of employee exploitation that we've worked long and hard at to establish."

Sunday, 23 September 2012

Brad's Beardless NHL Lockout: Day 8

Wither, Jets Zubaz
For you shall remain unused
And I am beardless

Saturday, 22 September 2012

Brad's Beardless NHL Lockout Protest: Day 7...The One Where Brad Realizes He Faces a Sarah Orleskyless Winter

A terrifying realization came over me yesterday when watching the Bombers game:

If there is an NHL lockout, I am going to spend all winter without my future girlfriend and wife, TSN Jets sideline reporter Sarah Orlesky.  Sarah Orlesky is the most beautiful woman in the world of sideline reporters and her beauty is multiplied by a factor of several thousand considering she brings Winnipeg Jets games into my home and onto my TV screen.

I had it all planned out.  I'd watch Sarah for about a quarter of the season to get my confidence up and then I'd make my move.  I'd wait for a home game that I had tickets to that was also being broadcast on TSN Jets.  A few days before the game I'd set up an elaborate trap using a bag of cheeseburgers to lure Gary Lawless into a janitor's closet.  Once he took the bait and entered the closet, I'd lock the door and trap him in there for a good day or two.  The bag of cheeseburgers will be gone within an hour and he will eventually be trapped in there without food and become excruciatingly hungry.  (*Note to self:  make sure to remove any remotely edible items such as urinal pucks, as we can't assume Lawless won't try and eat them).

Next I'd secretly place a package of bacon in Sarah Orlesky's purse.  Then, just before the Lawless and Order segment, I'd release Lawless from the closet.  He'd immediately sniff out the package of bacon in Sarah Orlesky's purse and wildly begin to attack her.  I would then rush in to Sarah Orlesky's defence with a garbage bag full of steaks.  I'd slowly lure the 8 Chinned Beast away from her with the steaks and then, when he gets close, throw the steaks in front of a moving bus because I might as well do all Winnipeg Jets fans a favor while I'm saving Sarah Orlesky.  Sarah Orlesky would naturally fall in love with me for saving her from the savage, multi chinned monster, I'd become a local hero and be awarded the key to the city and Sarah Orlesky and I would get married and have kids that would grow up to be Norris Trophy winning hockey players and Lingerie Football League MVPs and Sarah Orlesky and I would grow old watching the Winnipeg Jets winning Stanley Cup after Stanley Cup.

At least that was the plan before this goddamn lockout happened that forced me to shave off my beard out of protest.

The fact that Gary Bettman would deny the world a winter of Sarah Orlesky proves that not only is he unworthy of my forgiveness, he's unworthy of Jesus' forgiveness.  And Jesus forgave George Clooney for Batman & Robin.

Friday, 21 September 2012

Brad's Beardless NHL Lockout Protest: Day 6

Dear Mohammed,

I am writing to you because, well, Jesus stopped answering my prayers years ago and I'm desperate.  You also strike me as the kind of guy that allegedly hates America and is opposed to the shaving of beards, so I think you'll be interested to hear my plea.

Basically, I'm cruelly being forced to shave off my beard on a daily basis.  As someone that is staunchly pro beard, it pains me to do so every day.  And it probably pisses you off to no end, considering your religion's stance on beards.  But this is not my fault.  In the words of Walter Sobchak, it's "THOSE FUCKS DOWN AT THE LEAGUE OFFICE" of the NHL that force me to do so, out of protest, since they've decided to impose a lock out on the upcoming NHL season.  I implore you to work your magic and force this issue into resolution.

I would also like to point out that Americans don't really give a shit about hockey.  Right now, its mostly Canadians, Russians and Fins that suffer the most.  Those dirty, godless Swedes suffer, too, but they're dirty, godless Swedes so we should not care about their suffering.  And, by stepping in and ending the lockout quickly, the rich, capitalist pig American league owners will be saddled with a less desirable CBA, limiting their ability to make as much money.  I don't know if you actually hate America or not, but if you do, here's your chance to stick it to a few of them.



PS - I realize asking for a Bombers win tonight would be a bit ridiculous....but would it be too much to ask for you to have them cover the spread?

PPS - I apologize for that last request.  I realize it was unreasonable.

Thursday, 20 September 2012

Brad's Beardless NHL Lockout Protest: Day 5

I think I'm getting a cold.  And, while I don't want to jump to conclusions here, I think it's related to standing in the middle of a bean field for 14 hours on Tuesday, freezing my face off.  Except that I wouldn't have been freezing my face off had I had the insulating magic of a stately beard.  And I would still have had that stately beard if Gary Bettman and his band of tripe wallowing swine hadn't staged a lockout.  Thanks a lot, assholes!

And you know what pisses me off about this goddamn lockout besides there not being hockey and not having a goddamn beard?

This lockout out has given all these self-righteous cock gobblers out there more fuel to spew there "Well I think athletes are overpaid and they shouldn't make more money than doctors or teachers or fire fighters or police officers" bullshit.  Because let's face it....this line of thinking is bullshit.

We live in fucking North America.  Capitalism rules, baby.  And if you don't like it, get the fuck out, you communist hippie!

At least this seems to be the general attitude from the majority of the population.

So, while these douchers whine and bitch and moan about overpaid players making more than doctors and lawyers, the moment the government mentions the words "raising" and "taxes", which is what would probably be required to pay teachers and doctors and fire fighters and police officers in this country since these services are all offered free of charge to the average citizen, you might as well have just strapped that person down and taken a large dump right in their mouth.  Because they will go down, kicking and screaming, trying to fight against any sort of increase in taxes to prevent the "damn government" from taking all their "hard earned money".

But, if the local sports franchise in which they hold season tickets to, decides to raise season ticket prices yet again that year, they will mumble and grumble a little bit, but when it comes time to renew those tickets, you bet your ass they will fork over the several thousands of dollars required to do so.

So, if capitalism rules and the free market dictates value, who's overpaid?

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Brad's Beardless NHL Lockout Protest: Day 4

So the NHL cancelled preseason games.  And, while True North IS offering a refund or credit for the tickets I've purchased (True North....sigh....too bad they're lumped in with other douche volcanoes like Ed Snider and Jeremy "Eat A Fucking Dick" Jacobs), the NHL has not offered me any sort of refund on the NHL merchandise I have purchased to be a super fan and wear to said preseason games.

By my calculation, I spent about $600 on various Jets merchandise.  So if we take two games out of 43 home games, that is 4.6% of value lost on my purchases.  So I expect to see a cheque in the mail for $27.90 from the NHL to make up for the decrease in value of goods I purchased from them, seeing as the lockout does not count as an act of God, but instead is entirely a result of the owners refusing to allow hockey to happen.  And speaking of God, clearly God does not exist because you can't just give Winnipeg hockey fans hockey and then suddenly tear it away from us like candy from a baby.

And did I mention that I still have no beard?  I shaved again this morning.  My face looked like a freshly shorn scrotum.

Also, while I'm discussing hockey related protests, I'd like to mention that EA Sports can go and die.  Not only did they ruin football games when they negotiated an exclusive rights contract with the NFL, spelling the end for the far superior NFL 2K series, they've also ruined sports games in general.

And here is why: EA Sports games are cheap fucking cunts.

Because they can't be bothered with developing proper physics and AI in their games, they have to program in Fuck You Mode into all of their sports games to ensure that final scores are close.  In hockey, the Fuck You Mode is controlled through their goalies.  If you start winning to many games, suddenly you play a game against James Reimer and you get 78 shots, most of them excellent scoring chances and you score 1 fucking goal.  Meanwhile, you have Tim Fucking Thomas in net, he faces 7 shots and lets in 5 goals and you lose the game 5-1.

NHL 10, the last EA sports game I will ever buy, had some "intelligent" handicapping system that would "increase" the difficulty of the computer opponent (mostly by making the computer's goalie Hasek in his prime and your goalie Andre Racicot in his prime) in order to create a consistent level playing field.  The problem is you can't fucking turn off this adaptive setting so if you don't play the game for a few months and decide to pick it up again and continue your franchise, you just get hammered in the ass 8-0 for six games in a row before opening up your X-Box, ripping out the disc and fucking annihilating it in a rage of pure anger and hate and then taking a pair of scissors and stabbing Dion Phaneuf's cunt face on the box.  (Actual story that happened.)

Now, some people may argue this is just a sore loser theory or whatever.  But I also own Tiger Woods Golf.  And I've noticed something about it when playing a tournament.  If, in you're first round, you shoot some ridiculous score like 20 under, the computer opponents will suddenly shoot between 15 and 25 under for the next three rounds.  I found this out when I had the round of my life one day during round one of a tournament.  I then shot respectable scores of 5 under and 6 under and didn't make the cut.  I replayed the exact same tournament but decided to purposely shoot a +15 in my first round.  The computer opponent's scores normalized around +10 for the next three rounds and I shot around 5 under the last three rounds and ABSOLUTELY CRUSHED THE FIELD.

If that's not proof EA doesn't program Fuck You Mode into their games, I don't know what is.

So EA Sports can eat fucking dicks and get herpes and die.

Tuesday, 18 September 2012

Brad's Beardless NHL Lockout Protest: Day 3

Gary Bettman can eat a dick.  Why?  Because today I froze my face off standing in the middle of a soybean field for 14 hours, in the cold, in the wind.  Why?  Because I no longer have a beard to protect my delicate face skin and meat.  Why?  Because I shaved off my beard, with its protective thermal insulating layer of beard hairs.  Why?  To protest the NHL lockout.  Why?  Because Gary Bettman can eat a dick.

Monday, 17 September 2012

Brad's Beardless NHL Lockout Protest: Day 2

First off, shaving every day is bullshit.  That's like seven minutes of porn I've wantonly decided to forego each day.  That's time I'll never get back.  Hope you're happy Gary Bettman.

Second, I cut myself shaving today.  Which led to blood.  That blood is on your hands Gary Bettman and various NHL owners.  That blood is on YOUR GODDAMN HANDS!  You could end this madness right now by ending the lockout instead of having myself and the rest of the world unnecessarily suffer without my beard.

Sunday, 16 September 2012

Brad's NHL Lockout Protest: Day 1

At the suggestion of WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-TYLER!!!!!!, I've decided to wage a protest against the NHL owners, commissioner Gary Bettman and their precious little NHL lockout.  And how will I do so?  Well, if the NHL is going to deny the world the precious gift of hockey than I shall, in return, deny the world the precious gift of beard.

That's right, folks.....despite being blessed with the incredible gift of beard.....a beard so majestic and powerful that others not blessed with the precious gift of beard are able to live their lives vicariously through it, I have decided to deny the world this beautiful creation of god until the NHL decides to no longer deny the world the wonderful, courtly and monumental recreation that warms the cockles of hearts known as hockey.

As such, I have decided to shave off my beard.  And I shalst continue shaving my beard until such a time as the NHL removes the lockout and provides the world with hockey, instead of withholding it on some sort of power trip.

Now, I don't have a digital camera so I will have to provide an artistic approximation of the before shot:

And now, thanks to the cold hearts and vengeful minds over at NHL headquarters, I present to you the artistic approximation of how I now appear, sans beard:

Truly hideous.  How will Gary Bettman and his owner cronies be able to sleep at night knowing the world is now such a hideous place and one of the god's greatest gifts to mankind is being denied on a daily basis?  How will they be able to sleep at night knowing that, with each passing day of the lockout, I will continue to not get laid due to my newfound hideousness?  And what happens when winter comes and my sensitive face skin is no longer protected from the harsh cold by a comforting, insulating layer of beard?  Do they have no humanity?