Thursday, 27 September 2012

Brad's Beardless NHL Lockout Protest: Day 11

My new goal is to buy an NHL team.  I don't even care which one.  I'll even buy the Panthers and keep them in Florida move them to Juarez, Mexico if that's what Bettman decides I need to do to get in.

I really only want to do this so I can be the lone dissenting voice amongst the ownership group.  Because all we ever hear is how the owners are unified and 100% behind Gary Bettman.  Which is BULLSHIT!  Just look at True North.  You can't tell me they're too happy having a lockout.  They made a bunch of money...they have a hockey hungry market with guaranteed revenues for the foreseeable future and they certainly don't want to be disenchanting a shit load of casual fans that got caught up in the hype and hysteria last year.  Oh....and one has to imagine a significant chunk of money was freed up from other investments in order to purchase the team last year.  That's a lot of money that could be collecting interest or invested into high rate of return investments that is currently tied up in a business making absolutely no money.

All I want is to go all Mark Cuban on everyone's ass and piss the living fuck out of Jeremy Douche Geyser Jacobs and go public saying I don't support Bettman or the other owners.

So, in order to buy an NHL team, I'm gonna need a shitload of cash.  And, while I would have been able to pimp myself out to tons of hot bitches and make shitloads of money as a high class manwhore, I currently lack the amazing beard to do so.  So this means I need to concoct a crazy money making scheme.  So I present to you the Stranglebator 3500!

Now, while I strongly believe stranglebator survival rates showed be determined by some sort of Darwinian function, I'm also a capitalist that isn't going to shy away from a business opportunity when I see one.  I have identified that stranglebating is a high risk activity that is in need of adequate safety equipment.  Not only do stranglebators risk death each time they get down to business...they also run the even bigger risk of dying while stranglebating and having this information go public.  Nobody wants to be the next Michael Hutchence or David Carradine.  Remember....when you die is not nearly as important as how you die.  And nobody wants to die while simultaneously choking themselves and masturbating.

And this is where the Stranglebator 5000 comes in.  I envision it being some sort of quick release mechanism that could be electronically actuated.  Your belt or other strangling device would be attached to this and the apparatus could be mounted to a door knob or bathroom hook or whatever stranglebators use.  This device would be wired to a PLC (programmable logic controller).  Also wired to the PLC would be a pair of accelerometer wristbands, that would send a signal to the PLC when the accelerometers detected movement.

Now, if the accelerometers are detecting above a certain threshold of movement, this means all is well and the user can continue to do what they're doing.  If, for whatever reason, the accelerometer is not sending a large enough signal back to the PLC (ie. the wrist bands are no longer moving), it will send a signal to the quick release mechanism to actuate, releasing the choking device and allowing air to flow to the users lungs before they completely pass out and die.

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