Thursday, 23 August 2012


I couldn't figure out how to turn on the shower in my hotel room the other day.  I'm an engineer, so I should be able to figure this shit out.  But I couldn't, so naturally I assumed it was broken instead of embarrassingly going to the front desk and asking the teen mom high school drop out at the front desk how their fancy showers work.

So I decided to take a bath.

And I reached the conclusion that baths suck.

First off, I went to fill the bath.  Now, as a kid, the goal was always to fill that sonofabitch up as high as you could to best simulate a swimming pool as much as possible.  So that's what I did, not realizing that my body displaces a lot more volume than it did as a kid.  So step one quickly became a failure when 15 gallons of bath water went flying over the edge of the tub the moment I got in.

So now I'm in the tub and I'm a big, tall guy and so I'm kinda hunching and squirming to get in under the water and I kinda gotta flail my legs out the end and then scrunch my back all up and once I finally get comfortable I realize that I'm just staring at my dick and my dick's staring back at me.  It was an uncomfortable, slightly awkward moment.  I decided that instead of lying there, staring at my dick, I'd better get down to business.

Now, I couldn't just slide my back down further and get my hair wet to begin the shampooing process because my legs were already hanging out of the tub and my ass was already against the far end and I had no more room to slide down.  So I had to get back up, fucking turn around on all fours and then dunk my head under water.  And as I'm dunking my head under water, I realize my ass is now pointed straight up in the air, just ready to get buggered by whatever redneck Oklahoman was about to burst into my room.  Not that there was a redneck Oklahoman ready to bust into my room and bugger me, it was just the crippling vulnerability I felt at that moment that made me decide to skip the shampooing process all together.

So I decided to lather up the soap and get on with that whole process.  Of course, I don't fit in this tub at all, so I have to stand up in the tub to lather up.  So now I'm standing, freezing my ass off, lathering myself up with soap and wondering why the fuck I just didn't tell my pride to eat a dick and go ask the damn girl at the front desk how their goddamned, three sea-shelling fucking shower worked.

But I'm lathered up now and awkwardly get back down in the tub to rinse off.  And here's the other problem with a bath: when you go to rinse off, all the goddamn soap suds just float at the top of the bath water and when you get out of the tub you're still covered in soap residue.  So you dunk yourself under again, yet no matter how many times you repeat the process, you're still covered in goddamn soap scum.

So, while I pondered draining the tub, filling it with fresh water and then dunking myself under again, I realized this whole process shit the bed half an hour ago and I simply decided "Fuck it!" and got dressed and went for dinner.

Baths are bullshit.

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