I am writing to you because, well, Jesus stopped answering my prayers years ago and I'm desperate. You also strike me as the kind of guy that allegedly hates America and is opposed to the shaving of beards, so I think you'll be interested to hear my plea.
Basically, I'm cruelly being forced to shave off my beard on a daily basis. As someone that is staunchly pro beard, it pains me to do so every day. And it probably pisses you off to no end, considering your religion's stance on beards. But this is not my fault. In the words of Walter Sobchak, it's "THOSE FUCKS DOWN AT THE LEAGUE OFFICE" of the NHL that force me to do so, out of protest, since they've decided to impose a lock out on the upcoming NHL season. I implore you to work your magic and force this issue into resolution.
I would also like to point out that Americans don't really give a shit about hockey. Right now, its mostly Canadians, Russians and Fins that suffer the most. Those dirty, godless Swedes suffer, too, but they're dirty, godless Swedes so we should not care about their suffering. And, by stepping in and ending the lockout quickly, the rich, capitalist pig American league owners will be saddled with a less desirable CBA, limiting their ability to make as much money. I don't know if you actually hate America or not, but if you do, here's your chance to stick it to a few of them.
PS - I realize asking for a Bombers win tonight would be a bit ridiculous....but would it be too much to ask for you to have them cover the spread?
PPS - I apologize for that last request. I realize it was unreasonable.