A terrifying realization came over me yesterday when watching the Bombers game:
If there is an NHL lockout, I am going to spend all winter without my future girlfriend and wife, TSN Jets sideline reporter Sarah Orlesky. Sarah Orlesky is the most beautiful woman in the world of sideline reporters and her beauty is multiplied by a factor of several thousand considering she brings Winnipeg Jets games into my home and onto my TV screen.
I had it all planned out. I'd watch Sarah for about a quarter of the season to get my confidence up and then I'd make my move. I'd wait for a home game that I had tickets to that was also being broadcast on TSN Jets. A few days before the game I'd set up an elaborate trap using a bag of cheeseburgers to lure Gary Lawless into a janitor's closet. Once he took the bait and entered the closet, I'd lock the door and trap him in there for a good day or two. The bag of cheeseburgers will be gone within an hour and he will eventually be trapped in there without food and become excruciatingly hungry. (*Note to self: make sure to remove any remotely edible items such as urinal pucks, as we can't assume Lawless won't try and eat them).
Next I'd secretly place a package of bacon in Sarah Orlesky's purse. Then, just before the Lawless and Order segment, I'd release Lawless from the closet. He'd immediately sniff out the package of bacon in Sarah Orlesky's purse and wildly begin to attack her. I would then rush in to Sarah Orlesky's defence with a garbage bag full of steaks. I'd slowly lure the 8 Chinned Beast away from her with the steaks and then, when he gets close, throw the steaks in front of a moving bus because I might as well do all Winnipeg Jets fans a favor while I'm saving Sarah Orlesky. Sarah Orlesky would naturally fall in love with me for saving her from the savage, multi chinned monster, I'd become a local hero and be awarded the key to the city and Sarah Orlesky and I would get married and have kids that would grow up to be Norris Trophy winning hockey players and Lingerie Football League MVPs and Sarah Orlesky and I would grow old watching the Winnipeg Jets winning Stanley Cup after Stanley Cup.
At least that was the plan before this goddamn lockout happened that forced me to shave off my beard out of protest.
The fact that Gary Bettman would deny the world a winter of Sarah Orlesky proves that not only is he unworthy of my forgiveness, he's unworthy of Jesus' forgiveness. And Jesus forgave George Clooney for Batman & Robin.
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