Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Brad's Beardless NHL Lockout Protest: Day 4

So the NHL cancelled preseason games.  And, while True North IS offering a refund or credit for the tickets I've purchased (True North....sigh....too bad they're lumped in with other douche volcanoes like Ed Snider and Jeremy "Eat A Fucking Dick" Jacobs), the NHL has not offered me any sort of refund on the NHL merchandise I have purchased to be a super fan and wear to said preseason games.

By my calculation, I spent about $600 on various Jets merchandise.  So if we take two games out of 43 home games, that is 4.6% of value lost on my purchases.  So I expect to see a cheque in the mail for $27.90 from the NHL to make up for the decrease in value of goods I purchased from them, seeing as the lockout does not count as an act of God, but instead is entirely a result of the owners refusing to allow hockey to happen.  And speaking of God, clearly God does not exist because you can't just give Winnipeg hockey fans hockey and then suddenly tear it away from us like candy from a baby.

And did I mention that I still have no beard?  I shaved again this morning.  My face looked like a freshly shorn scrotum.

Also, while I'm discussing hockey related protests, I'd like to mention that EA Sports can go and die.  Not only did they ruin football games when they negotiated an exclusive rights contract with the NFL, spelling the end for the far superior NFL 2K series, they've also ruined sports games in general.

And here is why: EA Sports games are cheap fucking cunts.

Because they can't be bothered with developing proper physics and AI in their games, they have to program in Fuck You Mode into all of their sports games to ensure that final scores are close.  In hockey, the Fuck You Mode is controlled through their goalies.  If you start winning to many games, suddenly you play a game against James Reimer and you get 78 shots, most of them excellent scoring chances and you score 1 fucking goal.  Meanwhile, you have Tim Fucking Thomas in net, he faces 7 shots and lets in 5 goals and you lose the game 5-1.

NHL 10, the last EA sports game I will ever buy, had some "intelligent" handicapping system that would "increase" the difficulty of the computer opponent (mostly by making the computer's goalie Hasek in his prime and your goalie Andre Racicot in his prime) in order to create a consistent level playing field.  The problem is you can't fucking turn off this adaptive setting so if you don't play the game for a few months and decide to pick it up again and continue your franchise, you just get hammered in the ass 8-0 for six games in a row before opening up your X-Box, ripping out the disc and fucking annihilating it in a rage of pure anger and hate and then taking a pair of scissors and stabbing Dion Phaneuf's cunt face on the box.  (Actual story that happened.)

Now, some people may argue this is just a sore loser theory or whatever.  But I also own Tiger Woods Golf.  And I've noticed something about it when playing a tournament.  If, in you're first round, you shoot some ridiculous score like 20 under, the computer opponents will suddenly shoot between 15 and 25 under for the next three rounds.  I found this out when I had the round of my life one day during round one of a tournament.  I then shot respectable scores of 5 under and 6 under and didn't make the cut.  I replayed the exact same tournament but decided to purposely shoot a +15 in my first round.  The computer opponent's scores normalized around +10 for the next three rounds and I shot around 5 under the last three rounds and ABSOLUTELY CRUSHED THE FIELD.

If that's not proof EA doesn't program Fuck You Mode into their games, I don't know what is.

So EA Sports can eat fucking dicks and get herpes and die.

No comments:

Post a Comment